More On My Dad

I know I talk about him a lot lately. He has been the top thing on my mind though. There isn't a second of my life I don't have a knot in the pit of my stomach, so worried about him. I miss my dad. I miss him so much. I want that guy back. I want him to go hunting. I want him to go fishing. I want him to tease my girls and encourage Gabbi to sing the Spongebob tune.

I am saddened. Some of my family doesn't understand my blog. I want to stress to those who read my blog through Facebook that the place my blog originates is NOT through Facebook. It is through a blogging website and it is automatically posted to Facebook. I started my blog before my own diagnosis when my doctors thought I had cancer. It was a place for me to pour my heart out. By definition blogs are online diaries. My own doctor suggested it. Go to http://www.pregnantcancer.blogspot.com and read. I feel a lot of people don't understand. I did express my anger on this blog and I do not apologize. I am not a temperamental person. My fuse is long. I don't get mad easily and I am non confrontational. I am just saying right now it's gone. My fuse has burned out. The only thing that matters now is my dad.

No one cares for my dad like his children. We are stressed and tired. We wonder why nothing has been found. We cannot understand how he can be so sick and they can continue to send him home to get worse. We are trying so hard to make things better and we are just so unsure of how to do it. Hopefully the new hospital will help. Now I just await word from my mom. Hopefully we'll have answers soon.

Depressed

My dad has been taken back to the hospital. He hasn't been doing well and we knew it. His weight has been dropping rapidly. He's a shell of the man he used to be. We were hoping for answers. We still haven't gotten them. We keep being told they are almost sure it's pancreatic cancer. My issue with this is that if it WAS pancreatic cancer he could not possibly be so sick without them being able to see it. That type of cancer usually is not even noticed until it's later stages. The symptoms don't show up until it's fairly progressed. So, with how sick my dad has been, how could it be possible that they could not find it?

I have been working out the details to have a benefit for my dad to send him to Mayo. I have the place and date lined up finally but with the Holiday was going to wait until Monday to make copies of the flyers I made and then hopefully get some donation tubs etc. We are doing a spaghetti supper and were going to sell advance tickets and tickets at the door. We have ideas for a bake sale too. My sisters and I have worked nonstop racking our brains while also caring for our families. My sister is trying to work and balance all of this and her children. I am trying to balance it while caring for 4 children, my home and school work. My classes are really getting crazy now that it's only a few weeks from the end of this semester. I have tests and TONS of papers to write. My stress level is at the top right now.

Dad wanted us to all come to his house for Thanksgiving. He was as excited as I have seen him in a long time about it. We had planned what we were bringing and we were all so ready to go. Then this morning I got the call. Dad is confused again. It's like it was before. They think the blood infection could be back. Now I sit here, waiting for news from the E.R. I know my mom is there upset. The trouble being I am here with my four girls and my hubby is at work. My hubby can't just leave because HIS boss is out this week which leaves my hubby in charge of everything. So I wait. I can't really do anything at this point anyway. He isn't in a room yet and we aren't sure if he'll even be staying there. My sister has been feverishly working to get him transferred to a different hospital because frankly this one is not able to help him anymore. They can't give us the answers we need so it's time for something different. We have to also figure out where my mom will stay, how she will afford it, etc. She needs meals too. My dad is retired and they don't have a lot of money.

Then to top it all off the family is back at us again telling us we aren't doing enough. We should be there with mom. I love my family but I just don't think they understand what we are doing. They hear my mom crying and I get that. She is stressed. We are too. I want to just throw everything out the window and go be with my dad. But at the end of the day I still have to pass my classes and my kids still need their mommy here to care for them. I will go be with my dad every second I can, but at this very second I sit here agonizing over what is going on just like everyone else.

I wanted to be with my family this year. I knew it could be our last because who knows how healthy dad would even be next year? If it IS pancreatic cancer, or if it's not, we don't know how he'll be doing so this year meant everything and now it's gone. I have no food. We thought we were going to mom and dad's so I have bought no turkey or anything. I will have to try to see my dad, be with my mom tonight and somehow manage to whip up some sort of Thanksgiving dinner for my own family. I want my children to still enjoy their holiday.

Right now? I am just not feeling it.

Had My Follow Up

I had my follow up on Friday but haven't had enough time to sit here and type out how it went. The drive was long as usual. I enjoy it every single time. I got there and got in and had my blood drawn immediately. My veins were uncooperative unfortunately so she tried one arm, wiggled the needle around (causing excruciating pain) and finally she gave up and moved to the other arm. It was more cooperative though it still hurt. I have to say it depends on the nurse and the day of the week. Sometimes it's nothing. Other days it hurts a lot.

I got weighed and put in a room to wait for my doctor. He came in and asked several of the usual questions. He feels my lymph nodes. My blood tests came back good. A few more questions were asked but all looked well. I did get in trouble for not having gone to see a thyroid specialist yet. I do have those issues which we believe causes the continued pressure in my throat. So he set that up for me too. I'll be going back to see him and the endocrinologist (thyroid doc) in February.

I gave the doc and the office a pic of Gabbi. They really enjoyed that. As I left I saw the head nursing staring at the pic saying to my doc how unbelievable it was. Yes indeed it is. My Gabbi is pretty amazing.