Remembering

I have been thinking now that a little over a year has gone by in remission, of all that I have been through. It's insane when you think about it. You are dished out all this news in such a small amount of time. My human brain had a terrible time absorbing it all. It was so hard to really understand when I felt so sick just how sick I was. I just wanted to *feel* better. I didn't care about anything else. I just wanted to feel better THEN I could think.

That picture above was taken November 16th, 2007. I went into labor at 3 a.m. November 17th. So I got no bigger than that. I was 36 weeks along. I think I look pretty big!! I love it though. I didn't lose my hair. (not all of it) So I managed to not look like a big fat bald lady. Trust me. I was terrified of being bald AND fat. It may seem vain in the whole scheme of things but I like to feel attractive at least. I never felt too unattractive while I was sick. There was a time...but I was so out of it I didn't know much anyway. When I spent 5 days in the hospital trying to stop my preterm contractions.

I was high on Magnesium and definitely did not feel well at all. I needed oxygen to help me breathe.

I feel so ugly in those pictures but I have never been afraid to show them because it's my reality. It makes it more real to me too I think. It all happened day by day and I dealt with each thing individually. I tried not to let it all get to me and scare me. It wasn't easy. I only got terrified once. It was when they found the fluid around my heart. I got really scared. Now that I had the good ECHO I can finally put that behind me officially.


For those regular readers, these pictures will look familiar. This one reminds me of my scars.

On the far left is my biopsy scar. I hate the dent. I have a dent from where they literally had to shave bone. The big plus sign is now replaced with a little black dot. It is from where the radiation was done. They mark you with permanent marker. I couldn't wash that off and they touched it up everyday. The right side is where the port was. It's bandaged in this picture. That was right after they took it out. They took it out before I even finished radiation.

The picture above is from the ceremony the day of my final chemo. I got a certificate. I was having preterm contractions here just as I did the chemo before it. I spent one night in the hospital. I went through the whole ceremony knowing I'd be going to the hospital when I got done.

Almost a year later here, my hubby and I go out to celebrate my 33rd birthday.

Look how grown up Gabriella is now. She is even talking on the phone. haha Or pretending too anyway. She's such a big girl.

She's my little miracle baby. We've been through so much together. I am thankful to be in remission and that my baby girl is ok. I have so many more pictures. Each one brings back memories, some good...some not so good. I still like to sit here and browse through them. I look at that face and into those little eyes and everything feels right. I have learned a lot and grown so much. I have thought many times that she won't understand all she went through to get here, but I'll sure do my best letting her know.